My eyes are swollen and my heart is empty. But i'm conscious, so much conscious than before. And now without love, my vision became clearer than ever. I've never seen things so clearly before for the past a year and seven months. I was too deep into love that i thought i could leave everything behind just for you, forgive everything you've done to me in the name of love. But I was wrong.




I'm no longer with fi because we have chosen something that's best for the both of us. None of us wanted this breakup, none of us expected this to happen, none of us was at fault. Before this, i thought love was powerful, i thought love could conquer everything but i was so wrong. I thought i've put everything behind me and moved on spending every single day happily because i couldn't help being with you but sadly after so long, so hard that i tried, we're back to square one. It feels as if falling when you try to fly, i've never thought falling would hurt so much.



Your past was a disaster. It's something that haunts me time and time i'm with you. What i could see now wasn't our future but all your past, no longer me and you. It's so difficult to see myself without you. But this is a choice that we both got to make eventually.




Yes, it's going to hurt. Experiencing this myself was way worse off. It's so difficult to cope with my own feelings. The world seems crashing down on me at this moment when i reminisce about the memories you and me created.




I'm sorry that i chose to walk away. I've not only lost a boyfriend but also my pillar of support all these while. Now that you're gone, i have to learn how to be independent. I no longer have someone by my side all the time to shower me with love, to hold me and kiss me, to lie beside me every night.




That familiar shoulders that i always rested on. The familiar hand that holds me everywhere. The familiar voice that whispers " i love you dear " The familiar face. So last night in your arms, i finally tried to fight back all my tears and do this. I said the magic word that shouldn't be said in a relationship like ours. I cried so badly last night because you meant the world to me. You've always been the stronger party, you hugged me tightly telling me that i'll find someone so much better that deserves my love. You told me strongly that you'll try to avoid me and drift away slowly from me so that i don't miss you so much. For my benefit, you encouraged me to go out often and get used to the loneliness without you. You said confidently that you'll wait for me so that if one day i can forgive your past, i can always come back to you and that will be a new beginning for us. Last night was so painful that every time you kissed my tears away from my face, my heart was screaming for you.




So today i hardened my heart, packed my stuffs and left. I believe that i'll always love you. I just need time to overcome the one inside me and i hope it isn't too late.